why is it so hard to remember that someone is dead? you go about your day, you read something and you think “I need to tell so and so about this” then you remember that they died, that they are not around to tell. you can’t get there reaction, you can tell if they would be proud of you for what you did or if you would get talked to about not reaching out far enough. I keep looking for the encouragement to reach out farther and take a risk, I keep shrinking back when I realize where I am looking does not exist anymore. I get an idea in my head, too many ideas, and I just give up on all of them. pressure from home life, pressure from my job, kills the drive and I just stop and sit. play a game, watch a show, drink a beer, go to sleep. I have a lot in my heart that is unresolved, and I just don’t know what to do with it. I have forgotten how to have men in my life. I have forgotten how to live.

Committee’s in the state of  Tennessee Senate have 9 members, when something passes unanimously it has nine aye’s. I always loves the way it sounds when they say it, “Nine Aye’s”, sounds almost like a song. most of the time it is already known before it hits committee how a bill will go, people have been talked to over and over and over again. no surprises happen, it just comes and goes. if a bill fail’s, it is not without prior knowledge. anyone who thinks they are watching the process live is wrong, you are getting the replay in committee. it is already written by that point.

“Nine aye’s, and it’s done”

Casey leaves to go out of town, and I go crazy. I don’t even understand, I am a very social person, but maybe I am not because when she leaves I huddle up in my house, avoid human contact, eat nothing but chips, and poor into projects. It is crazy how much I want to not be around people. I dream about living downtown, walking to work and working 15 hr days, and being ruthless. But with it all, I really just want to be with my wife, I only like my life with my wife, without her I just want to work. So weird because the life I am talking about living without my wife looks more like the life she wants to live now. I think if she died I would become just like her.

I have an idea, lets form the Society of Cincinnatus. We will support and try to get elected people who’s sworn goal is to dismantle the government from the inside out. Legislators who will sponsor bills that will eliminate departments, Mayors who will end programs, Bureaucratic who will work towards the elimination of their position. Find people who will use the power given towards the goal of releasing that power. We can make this work.

A great venture has been started, and I am ready to be 100 steps farther along then I am. I look back at my life and I feel like I am living in slow motion, I see all the others around me that are making so much more money then I, and doing it with less experience  because they have the RIGHT experiences  I want to work for my self, I want to have something my own. I look at videos of “poor” farmers from developing countries and I see them, working for themselves and I realize how freeing that must be. they are with out a lot of the luxury’s I have grown accustom to, but they have one thing I don’t, that I feel is out of reach for me, they have self reliance, they have pride in there work, they only have God to thank for where they are. I feel as though I have to kiss the boot of every person I see, 31 with no chance of climbing out. I have people relying on me to make more money so that I can provide, so that we can have more then just getting by, but mostly so that they can have me. with out money I feel as though I can not make the time to just spend with my family, I am having to find ways to make more, to come up with more, to squeeze the budget so tight that it cries (not a bad thing, but time consuming). to just stop, to not have the feeling so inadequacy hovering over my head would be amazing, but I only know how to get rid of them with lots and lots of money. the older I get the more money I need to make it go away and the bigger this cloud gets. money is the value of my self worth, money is how I know I can take care of my family, money makes life more forward. I don’t feel like I love money, I just feel like I need to have it to make my life make sense. everyone tells me it is ok not to have a lot of money. but then they say things like “you need to take your wife out on dates”, “you need to spend time just you and your wife without the baby”, “you need to make sure you are eating clean food”, “you need to take vitamins”, “you need to keep well groomed”, all of these things take money, that is not even all of it. everything takes money, wanting to home school my daughter will take money, even wanting to give up a day job and work for my self will take some money. it is all so hard.

it is all so hard.

I have a lot of goals, well, not really goals, just things I would like to do. Goals are planed out, dreamed about, have priorities placed on them. I have none of that, just a list of a few dozen things that I would like to do. the problem I have is that a lot of the things on this list require that they become goals, dreams, things I will move forward on. and until I do, they will be a mill stone, dragging behind me. “just cut it loose” can’t do that. I want it there. not the mill stone, dragging me down, but what it was before it was a mill stone, an adventure into something fun and exciting. I need to get that back, the fun and exciting back. I get so lost in all the have to do’s and take care of’s, what I really need to be thinking about is the how to keep the excitment going. and that is by turning a like to do into a goal.

I have been trying to read the whole Bible by the end of the year, I am not that far in…. like maybe 1 kings, which means if I am going to finish by the end of the year, I need to pick up the pace considerable. I love reading it. I am learning a TON. I realize how much of the Bible I have never read, and how much I did not really understand before.

I also see how much God hated to give the people a king, how much He did not want too, how it destroyed what He wanted, but how much they needed it. it’s that last part that is hardest for me. the people in the Biblical Israel needed a king. they were lost with out one. a king, who killed men because he did not like their attitude, and fought against their own people. I really don’t think they were all that better after having a king.

trying to see the coloration of Old Testament law in our modern New Testament times is hard. but I think it is important. God blesses people who seek Him, I want to be blessed.

this is shorter then it needs to be.

living in slow motion, getting a chance to see everything move around you as you do it, would be such a gift, if only it did not include everything also passing you by. that is kinda where I am at right now, the world moves, I watch it happen, and well, that is it. I don’t do much to change with it. I read a book, had to be back in july, that talked about getting the most out of your life, but it was not a self help book. it was written by this guy, James Altucher, who is my favorite blogger right now (sorry honey). the book is great, and really helped me see who I was and why I was the way I was in a very strangely spiritual way that I have not had before. but it did not change me, not one bit. I have been changed before, and I need a LOT more changing before I will be in a place that I think I am good in, but right now, I am a slightly more self aware lazy slob who obsesses WAY to much, is quite selfish, and tries to pass timidness off for kindness. I can’t spell very well, and should probably not have anything I believe written down lest I be arrested when the time comes.

when I said that I live in slow motion, it’s because I stop after every step and look around, see what else I could do, camp out, enjoy the space I am in, maybe even go back a few steps and check that out again. then, when I have exhausted everything I can do, and waited another few days, do I move on. it is as if I am living in a world of 36 hr days when everyone else is living in 24 hour days. I am about 75% as effective as everyone else. that is a lie, more like 30%. the amount I actually get done is quite little. it is funny though, that 30% I do, it seems no one else can do it. that 30% looks like 100% to some people. which is great for me, but not really. it is a curse really. it makes me lazy, it makes me think I CAN stop every step and camp out, live my life in slow motion while everyone else is living at normal speed. my wife, she is passing me by pretty fast, if I don’t catch up soon, it’s going to be too late, I don’t even want to think about when that happens.

I guess all I really wanted to say is I am lazy, I need to find a cure for this, I know I can, I have changed before. I used to just want to go to party’s, drink, smoke pot, and mooch. now I can’t remember the last time I smoked pot, I don’t turn down a free meal, but I am not looking for a hand out, I drink, but not like I used to, and party’s are hit and miss, I will go, just not my life, and I am happy to sit in the background and watch. I don’t need to be the center of it all.

i used to need to be the center of it all.

People always tell me that I am crazy for feeding my dog the way that I do. they think it is going to kill him some how, that he will die from eating tainted meat and that I am a fool for giving him chicken bones. the truth is they are all wrong. Coppola has been eating raw meat since he was about 12 weeks old, and he loves it, I mean LOVES it. i don’t think their is anything he likes better then eating, especially when I give him something cool to eat like a lamb’s head (see my last post as to why I might rethink that one) or some pork ribs. I think he likes to hear the bones crack, which is kinda disterbing yes, but hey, he is my dog and I love him.

I think about all the dogs I know that die from cancer, that die at 10 years old, it is terrible, that is WAY to short for a dog, I want my dog to live to be 20, at least, and I want him to be vibrant and healthy the whole time.

my mind is pretty cluttered today, I was just thinking about my dog and wanted to say something. this is not a dog blog, this is a waste of time blog, but I am glad for everyone who reads this and hope that you come back when I have something better to say, it is coming, just you wait.