If you don’t know, I am now an independent contractor working for a number of various outfits. this is amazing, I am so excited I can’t stand it. and scared.
when you don’t have a new to catch you, you don’t know where next months money will come from. which is scarier than anything I can imagine, but at the same time, I am free, free to choose my own way in live, which is much more important.
I have a lot I want to say, but I don’t know how to say it all right now so I am going to end this quickly by saying this, if you have a dream, just do it, don’t wait to be pushed, but if you are pushed, do it anyway.
I have been hearing almost my whole life that money can’t buy you happiness and that we are brainwashed as a society to think that it will. I don’t buy it. how can we be brainwashed into believing something that everyone seems to know is a lie. virtually every person you talk to will tell you that money does not buy happiness. even the very very rich will tell you this. brainwashing implies something that people have to convince us of using difficult and sneaky means. but it seems that people are almost born with the desire to earn and buy and collect. we are not brainwashed, we are human, we desire to be the best, some more then others, but we all have a desire inside of us to be great in some way. earning money and having money is not the way to happiness, it is happiness. the act of earning is a representation of value in the work you do, and how easily you can provide for your self and your family. having these quality’s is no small thing. the difference between 100,000 and 1,000,000 might not be much in this case, but the difference between 25,000 and 100,000 is huge. If you can’t provide enough to make life easy, you won’t be happy. bottom line. it is not about the money, it is about what that money means. people don’t like you cause you are rich, people like you cause you can provide things.
My wife and I recently took a second while driving to her parents house to reflect on our lives. We realized that we are busy people, WAY too busy sometimes. we have not had a day with nothing abnormal happening in longer then I can remember. by abnormal I mean a day where we can both come home after work, make dinner, play with the dog for a while, watch a show or two, go to bed, that day never happens.
what does happen is Casey going to three meetings for three different projects, then going to see pearl heart play a show, gives them a pep talk, stops back to her office to get the puppy who is so excited to see her that he jumps up and gets paw prints all over her. while this is going on I am
as I sit and eat my lunch out of a jar for the millionth time, I realize I hate it here. I want to work at something where i feel like I am building something that I care about. I want to have the free time to be able to eat a proper lunch in a proper container, I want to see my daughter, I want to see my Dog, I want to see my wonderful wife. I just want to be a proper expression of me and not an empty shell of what I could be. I want to focus on my streanghths and forget about my weaknesses, I want to create, I want to make, I want to produce. I am done working for someone else.
why is it so hard to remember that someone is dead? you go about your day, you read something and you think “I need to tell so and so about this” then you remember that they died, that they are not around to tell. you can’t get there reaction, you can tell if they would be proud of you for what you did or if you would get talked to about not reaching out far enough. I keep looking for the encouragement to reach out farther and take a risk, I keep shrinking back when I realize where I am looking does not exist anymore. I get an idea in my head, too many ideas, and I just give up on all of them. pressure from home life, pressure from my job, kills the drive and I just stop and sit. play a game, watch a show, drink a beer, go to sleep. I have a lot in my heart that is unresolved, and I just don’t know what to do with it. I have forgotten how to have men in my life. I have forgotten how to live.
Committee’s in the state of Tennessee Senate have 9 members, when something passes unanimously it has nine aye’s. I always loves the way it sounds when they say it, “Nine Aye’s”, sounds almost like a song. most of the time it is already known before it hits committee how a bill will go, people have been talked to over and over and over again. no surprises happen, it just comes and goes. if a bill fail’s, it is not without prior knowledge. anyone who thinks they are watching the process live is wrong, you are getting the replay in committee. it is already written by that point.
“Nine aye’s, and it’s done”
Casey leaves to go out of town, and I go crazy. I don’t even understand, I am a very social person, but maybe I am not because when she leaves I huddle up in my house, avoid human contact, eat nothing but chips, and poor into projects. It is crazy how much I want to not be around people. I dream about living downtown, walking to work and working 15 hr days, and being ruthless. But with it all, I really just want to be with my wife, I only like my life with my wife, without her I just want to work. So weird because the life I am talking about living without my wife looks more like the life she wants to live now. I think if she died I would become just like her.
I have an idea, lets form the Society of Cincinnatus. We will support and try to get elected people who’s sworn goal is to dismantle the government from the inside out. Legislators who will sponsor bills that will eliminate departments, Mayors who will end programs, Bureaucratic who will work towards the elimination of their position. Find people who will use the power given towards the goal of releasing that power. We can make this work.
A great venture has been started, and I am ready to be 100 steps farther along then I am. I look back at my life and I feel like I am living in slow motion, I see all the others around me that are making so much more money then I, and doing it with less experience because they have the RIGHT experiences I want to work for my self, I want to have something my own. I look at videos of “poor” farmers from developing countries and I see them, working for themselves and I realize how freeing that must be. they are with out a lot of the luxury’s I have grown accustom to, but they have one thing I don’t, that I feel is out of reach for me, they have self reliance, they have pride in there work, they only have God to thank for where they are. I feel as though I have to kiss the boot of every person I see, 31 with no chance of climbing out. I have people relying on me to make more money so that I can provide, so that we can have more then just getting by, but mostly so that they can have me. with out money I feel as though I can not make the time to just spend with my family, I am having to find ways to make more, to come up with more, to squeeze the budget so tight that it cries (not a bad thing, but time consuming). to just stop, to not have the feeling so inadequacy hovering over my head would be amazing, but I only know how to get rid of them with lots and lots of money. the older I get the more money I need to make it go away and the bigger this cloud gets. money is the value of my self worth, money is how I know I can take care of my family, money makes life more forward. I don’t feel like I love money, I just feel like I need to have it to make my life make sense. everyone tells me it is ok not to have a lot of money. but then they say things like “you need to take your wife out on dates”, “you need to spend time just you and your wife without the baby”, “you need to make sure you are eating clean food”, “you need to take vitamins”, “you need to keep well groomed”, all of these things take money, that is not even all of it. everything takes money, wanting to home school my daughter will take money, even wanting to give up a day job and work for my self will take some money. it is all so hard.
it is all so hard.
I have a lot of goals, well, not really goals, just things I would like to do. Goals are planed out, dreamed about, have priorities placed on them. I have none of that, just a list of a few dozen things that I would like to do. the problem I have is that a lot of the things on this list require that they become goals, dreams, things I will move forward on. and until I do, they will be a mill stone, dragging behind me. “just cut it loose” can’t do that. I want it there. not the mill stone, dragging me down, but what it was before it was a mill stone, an adventure into something fun and exciting. I need to get that back, the fun and exciting back. I get so lost in all the have to do’s and take care of’s, what I really need to be thinking about is the how to keep the excitment going. and that is by turning a like to do into a goal.