for a long time I have wanted to be the type of person who sits at a computer for hours and hours writing code in some esoteric text editor like Vim or Emacs (really it would be Emacs) and just be with dubstep going in my ears for hours and hours.
but I can’t.
I try and well, I don’t know enough code, so I thought that I just need to sit and learn to code, than I will be able to do that, so I took some courses, and they were great, but I did not ever get to a point where I just wanted to sit and code, or even could just do that. I think really I like the idea of doing that, but really I don’t have the patience to do that. which I suppose is ok.
I think that what I really and truly want is to be a writer, and that is hard for me to admit because my wife is a writer, and an amazing one at that. Because she is a writer I feel like I can’t be one also. which is crazy. it’s crazy because even if we both wrote, her writing is so different than mine that it would be hard to compare it and we would be writing to two different audiences. part of me does not want to write because I don’t want to be compared to her, and I think really what I am most afraid of is being better than her. which sounds very very prideful and arrogant. and maybe it is. but I really don’t want to take that away from her. she is a writer, like I said. an amazing one, she has a published book in the amazon book store right now. I can’t compete with that so why am I afraid.
I think I am afraid that I won’t be supportive of her writing if I am doing it too, which does not need to be true.
writing is something that I think I can be really good at. I think I have a good knack for telling stories in a unique way. I am very animated and love to speak in front of an audience about a subject I know. but writing does not let you talk to an audience in a vocal way you say, how will that match up? well I think I can develop the external voice I have now into an internal voice you will hear while you read.
time will tell, but I will say, even just writing this has made my day. I think I will have to do this more and more. now I just need to figure out how to make money from it…